How to celebrate Thanksgiving in a Strange Land
Once you decide that you MUST have some turkey and pie in the middle of October there are varying methods of achieving Thankfulness necessary.
First thing you must sleep in – as much as possible. Try not to equate the time on the clock in your zone with the time back home as it will only serve to alienate you further from the strangeness of the land that knows no thanksgiving in october. Ignore the complaining cats, outside and in, as much as possible. Once you have risen from the bed and moved cat bodies in and out you can shuffle to the kitchen where you start your adventure – with a cup of tea.
Next, go to the computer and check your email. Read several missives from folks at home wishing you a happy thanksgiving and telling you how much you are missed. Get distracted by a news item about a 7-year-old boy who died from a brown recluse bite. Google spider bites. Spend some time researching brown recluse and black widow spiders. Learn about their habitats and habits. Think about all the boxes tosses unceremoniously into the garage. Read about them climbing into clothes and living in closets and cupboards. Resolve to throw crap out.
Check cupboards (after donning rubber gloves) for cranberries. Get distracted and rearrange cupboards after discovering your current roommate has 35 assorted coffee cups and a stock of spices approximately 10 years old. Discover there are no cranberries. Take garbage out to garage, very carefully monitoring your surroundings for hostile bug life.
Get coat and bag. Gingerly shake out articles to ensure no hostiles are in hiding, shake out shoes as well. Drive to Kroger’s and discover that you CAN have Thanksgiving from a can. Call landlord/roommate and discuss the acquiring of turkey. Discover said dispenser of turkey is located just next to the gas station you were just at filling up. Get back in car and drive back to turkey dispenser. On the way to obtaining turkey stop in at the inside flea market. Discover the most awe-inspiring collection of ugly kitch in the known universe. Determine that while the flashing blue pictures of dolphins are bad, and the cast iron monkey wearing jackets holding out dishes are horrendous, the brass table lamp with 8 glass plates featuring a vivid, colourful well muscled jesus dying on the cross is in fact the winner of the most horrible kitch. Also discover where to buy incense and dragon articles in this town.
Buy turkey from Homestyle Barbeque. Take said turkey home and discover that while it is indeed white meat, it tastes not quite like thanksgiving turkey should. It does taste however, like barbequed turkey.
Relax with tea and book while keeping a sharp lookout for nasties. Resolve to contact the bug-guy sooner rather than later to ensure that the necessary bug decontamination is done. Glare at cats in case they think that they will be able to ease off in their bug detection duties.
Having done the hunting and gathering necessary for the thanksgiving feast you should now reflect on things you are thankful for this year. Indoor toilets are always top of the list along with health and family. Consider being more thankful for snow as it acts as a natural deterrent to toxic bug life however remember that it is also responsible for shoveling which you resolved to avoid this winter. Be thankful that you can get thanksgiving fixin’s without having to actually cook yourself. Realize you just used ‘fixin’s’ in a sentence. Be thankful for PBS broadcasting and determine to spend more time with quality programming in order not to use more words like ‘fixin’s’.
When landlord/roommate returns display your culinary feat for appreciation. Enjoy.